Sunday, May 31, 2015

Photography 5-31-2015

Heritage Park-Taylor MI

Monday, May 25, 2015

Reveries of Love

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.

Edgar Allan Poe

It seems as though when you find the one that is meant for you, times goes by so quickly.  6 years has gone by since my life changed. Love life and near death 

April of 2009 I vaguely remember seeing a guy on my MySpace. I am not the type of girl that randomly talks to guys. I had broken up with my boyfriend of 7 years a year beforehand and still had not spoke to other guys. But this one stood out.  Let me go back to being 17 years old for a minute. I was always heavily sedated with 7 types of antidepressants and anxiety medications. My brain was fogged and I could barely think. All I remember is dreaming about a man with long raven black hair and deep set eyes. He was there for me in my dreams. Talking to me holding me. I fell in love with a man from my dreams. Crazy huh? Well anyways, I used to draw this guy and became fascinated with long hair and broody eyes. Fast forward to 2009. MySpace lol. This guy stood out to me. I'm incredibly shy so I never make the first move. By that time I was doing photography and searching for models to build my portfolio I just happened to see he was aspiring for modeling so I took a dive and messaged him. We chatted a bit and was surprised to see he lived close to where I was planning to move to (never did move). He had a girlfriend at the time so I didn't flirt. That's just how I am   
I deleted that MySpace not too long after and made a new one and added him again. He struck conversation with me this time and we seemed to have literally everything in common. Awesome right?

We talked and webcammed for months until we decided to finally meet. Mind you I was very depressed. Had 0 friends. Partly from agoraphobia. Partly being too shy.   We decided to meet September 14th. I was driving there with 2 others. I couldn't stop smiling. I had a real friend. He was always there for me. Calling me every single day. I never called him once. Lol.   We just hit it off. So we drive out there and I became extremely nervous. What to say. Phew. He put me at ease. We drove the 3 hours back and hung out listening to music, taking pictures. It was amazing. He was supposed to stay for 2 weeks. Time was drawing close which made me sick to my stomach. One night I got severely sick and basically passed out. The ambulance came and he rode with me. Stayed by my side. The doctors never knew what was wrong with me. I knew then that he was supposed to be near me. It was fate. I fell in love that night. Something happened and to my happiness he decided to stay and live with me. We took our relationship slow. We were best friends. We still are. But in love. A deep connection. He was the one I dreamt of. He was made for me. I stopped taking all of my medicine for depression. I no longer needed them. He brought me out if such a dark place. I will be eternally grateful to him
. My love. My eternal 

I can say this with ease. 
To the ones who constantly pester and think he will be with you or wants you. Your sadly mistaken 
He loves me. Real love
No boundaries. 
Your just the past. I am his future. 😁

Friday, May 22, 2015

Reverie # 4

Sometimes being someone with manic depressive anxiety disorder can be a real roller coaster   Not knowing if your going to have a good day or a bad one. It if that slightly evil twisted side will come out and take over to be a complete bitch to ones you never want to hurt.  Day after day it's emotional ups and downs a feeling of not being well and just fatigued. I've struggled since I was 6. Seeing psychologists since that age. I used to get sick and vomit every time I left home. Agoraphobia they called it   Another lovely side effect of anxiety. That one is the hardest. Especially when the person you want to spend your life with loves being outdoors and wandering when all I want to do is curl in a ball and hide from humanity. It's a kaleidoscope of feelings. Turmoil and bliss overwhelming and treacherous   My thoughts deceive me on a daily basis. A never ending cycle of dark euphoria   I wish I could escape this monster.   Run across a bridge to another side of me that never feels lost or hopeless. A place where light exists and I can let life in.  

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Dead Can Dance

Morning ashes
Hollow graves 
Empty hearts
Silent screams
Wondrous beauty
Decaying flesh
Morbid curiosity 
Lovely death

Monday, May 18, 2015

Reverie #3

Flooded by fears unknown. Afraid to leave my atmosphere. Heart beating hands burning.  Take the pills to make you cease this dementia in your head. Brain tingling mind altering drug induced comatose silence. Walking zombie placated while tearing apart. Victims of corporate medicine. Tied down only to float away. Breaking in and out and repeated days and nights. The buzzing in my head is far greater than the problem sickening displays of incorrigible humanity. Why do you give me this mass destruction in a pill. Why will I take it. Does it make me better. Does it stop the feeling of doubt and discerning   Do you take control. Who is in control of me. Surely not the voices in my head. Drowning in colorful medicine only to wake as a Reverie.  

Depression, anxiety, panic attacks.  All of these issues are addressed as treatable by medication. So they say. Nothing truly works. Nothing ever helps but to bring your soul back to life and stop hiding behind shadows and regret. Go out the door and breathe in a sense of wonder. 

Sunday, May 17, 2015

You keep me from breaking apart

Sometimes the only thing that can keep you alive is everlasting love. 

I just adore the fact Unconditional Love. It is rare for a human, barely exists from one person to another.
But with my darling cat, she loves me no matter what, and I can always count on her to be there for me when I am down. Just a simple nudge or kiss and that luxurious fur buried in my face while purring to calm my sadness.

Reverie #2

Waking up each morning is hard for me. Body aches and gritted teeth.. Cursing the morning like its the devil on my heels. Another day, another indifference. Tragic to me.  Arising from a tomb of lifeless black. I wish I could sleep for days. I revel in the thought of passing hours secluded behind satin sheets and fluffy pillows. Only the sound of the crow outside to ruse me from slumber.  Summer morning are close. Those I dread the most. Sticky sweat and heat. Light burning behind closed lids that I wish to remain shut tight and bathed in cool autumn crisp air. I loathe the summer days when children run screaming like the demons in my nightmares. Human cruelty at its finest to be auctioned to a desolate smog of heat and flame. Too close to the sun.  I can feel the scorching tendrils licking at my moonstone skin. Peeling away the last layers of my melancholy.  I long for darkness sweet with bitter cold. The frost covering my windows to hide the world I so seek to remain hidden from. I feel the same every year. It's everlasting. I'm a shadow of myself. Swathed in heady perspiration. Livid. Unholy Summer. I dread your awakening.